Recall that HOTT News declared Barack Obama winner of the 2012 presidential contest 98 days before the actual election. Click here to see the article written on July 31, 2012 detailing the correct call by HOTT News.
Today, HOTT News is ready to declare Hillary Clinton winner of the 2016 presidential contest. This decision has nothing to do with Clinton's popularity (or lack thereof). Indeed, HOTT News has noticed a severe lack of enthusiasm for Clinton. HOTT News makes this call based on the absurd news that Scott Baio will be speaking at the upcoming Republican National Convention. Baio, cast perfectly in the role of Chachi in Happy Days and cast unfortunately in the spin-off Joanie Loves Chachi (which was true, she did), reveals clearly in his Twitter feed that he is unfit to speak at a serious political convention. HOTT News sees no scenario in which the Trump-Pence-Baio team can beat the Clinton machine, and therefore declares Clinton the winner. As such, Hillary Clinton is the first woman to be elected president of the United States.
Showing posts with label HOTT News. Show all posts
Showing posts with label HOTT News. Show all posts
Sunday, July 17, 2016
Friday, February 22, 2013
Interview with HOTT News Founder Steve Rose
I hadn't talked with Steve Rose, the founder of HOTT News, in several months. I just finished interviewing him. Here is the full transcript of our interview:
TS: You always have interesting opinions about the cable news business. Where do you think you stand in the cable news landscape and what do you make of your competition?
SR: Let's start with the facts. We're the hottest. No one brings hottness like HOTT News. Our on-air talent (and off-air talent) are all hot. So we've got the edge there. Substance doesn't matter (obviously) but we also score highly on substance. Without even trying (in fact, in trying not to have substance) we actually have more substance than our competitors. It's true in daytime and in prime time.
TS: Can you be more specific?
SR: I can, but I like to avoid specifics. C'mon, this isn't rocket science. CNN is floating in the deep end, flailing its arms wildly in search of a life jacket. MSNBC is busy doing a fine impression of Fox News. Current TV lasted a few weeks. So we're shooting up the charts.
TS: You compare MSNBC to Fox News. Isn't that false equivalency?
SR: Nope. Increasingly, they are offering the same product. Obviously one is from the left and the other is from the right. No doubt Fox News is better at inventing reality. But overall, MSNBC and Fox News play loosely with a different set of half-truths. MSNBC just hired David Axlerod and Robert Gibbs as contributors. That kills their last shred of credibility. Period.
TS: But isn't it perfectly reasonable that MSNBC take advantage of their political insights?
SR: It's perfectly unreasonable. MSNBC's slogan should be "Inside Baseball" or "Horse Race Politics." That's all they have to offer. In that vein, Axlerod and Gibbs make a lot of sense. But the genre is called cable news for a reason. We are supposed to be in the business of delivering news. MSNBC and Fox News are both terrible at delivering news.
TS: And CNN?
SR: If there's a cruise ship disaster, you dial up CNN. Otherwise, don't even bother.
TS: Your network continues to be a lightning rod for criticism. One observer even called you the "Hooters of cable news." How do you respond?
SR: Awesome. That's right on target. I need to tweet that person immediately and offer a job. That's pithy and pitch perfect. That's the kind of honesty we need right now. Is the person who said that hot?
TS: I'm confused.
SR: Don't be. Americans need news and they need it now. They like news delivered by hot people. We offer real news by really hot people. Don't over think it. This is good.
The End.
TS: You always have interesting opinions about the cable news business. Where do you think you stand in the cable news landscape and what do you make of your competition?
SR: Let's start with the facts. We're the hottest. No one brings hottness like HOTT News. Our on-air talent (and off-air talent) are all hot. So we've got the edge there. Substance doesn't matter (obviously) but we also score highly on substance. Without even trying (in fact, in trying not to have substance) we actually have more substance than our competitors. It's true in daytime and in prime time.
TS: Can you be more specific?
SR: I can, but I like to avoid specifics. C'mon, this isn't rocket science. CNN is floating in the deep end, flailing its arms wildly in search of a life jacket. MSNBC is busy doing a fine impression of Fox News. Current TV lasted a few weeks. So we're shooting up the charts.
TS: You compare MSNBC to Fox News. Isn't that false equivalency?
SR: Nope. Increasingly, they are offering the same product. Obviously one is from the left and the other is from the right. No doubt Fox News is better at inventing reality. But overall, MSNBC and Fox News play loosely with a different set of half-truths. MSNBC just hired David Axlerod and Robert Gibbs as contributors. That kills their last shred of credibility. Period.
TS: But isn't it perfectly reasonable that MSNBC take advantage of their political insights?
SR: It's perfectly unreasonable. MSNBC's slogan should be "Inside Baseball" or "Horse Race Politics." That's all they have to offer. In that vein, Axlerod and Gibbs make a lot of sense. But the genre is called cable news for a reason. We are supposed to be in the business of delivering news. MSNBC and Fox News are both terrible at delivering news.
TS: And CNN?
SR: If there's a cruise ship disaster, you dial up CNN. Otherwise, don't even bother.
TS: Your network continues to be a lightning rod for criticism. One observer even called you the "Hooters of cable news." How do you respond?
SR: Awesome. That's right on target. I need to tweet that person immediately and offer a job. That's pithy and pitch perfect. That's the kind of honesty we need right now. Is the person who said that hot?
TS: I'm confused.
SR: Don't be. Americans need news and they need it now. They like news delivered by hot people. We offer real news by really hot people. Don't over think it. This is good.
The End.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
HOTT News Declares Obama Winner
HOTT News, the newest player in cable news, wasted no time in stirring controversy. In its first day on air, the station declared Barack Obama the winner of the presidential contest, even though the actual election is 98 days away. Shauna Falco, the White House Correspondent for HOTT News, said she had enough information to report the winner: "The New York Times has Nate Silver. We have someone like Nate Silver. A few battleground states are too close to call, but we feel confident enough to say Obama has won."
Stunned that a news channel would choose to debut by reporting Obama's re-election as hard news, media watchdogs are hammering HOTT News and encouraging people to boycott the channel's sponsors. But executives at the station are immune to criticism, including station founder Steve Rose. In a press release, Rose defiantly stated: "We're playing to be first, not second, and definitely not last. We care about being out in front...way out in front. It doesn't matter if we get it wrong. Other stations are wrong all the time. They're wrong and boring. Call us what you will, but we'll never be boring."
But isn't HOTT News concerned that nobody will take them seriously? Won't making outlandish predictions hurt their brand? "Making outlandish predictions is our brand," said Che Clinton, the head pundit at HOTT News. "People will have to take us seriously because we're in the news business for the long haul," he said.
So what happens in November, after the real election takes place? What will HOTT News do if Mitt Romney gets more electoral votes? "Simple," said Ms. Falco. "We'll issue a mea culpa, or at least a just kidding, and report that Romney won. It's no big deal. But we think we got this one right, so we're not freaked out about it." For the record, when we asked Ms. Falco about her credentials, she would only say she is a news hound and that she excelled as an intern in her college years.
Criticism aside, the antics at HOTT News instantly paid off, considering it had more prime-time viewers last night than MSNBC and CNN combined. "We're here to win the ratings game--in all demographics," said Ms. Falco, "So get your popcorn ready." Get your popcorn ready? That sounded familiar, so I asked Ms. Falco what inspired the comment. She replied: "Terrell Owens. When he was in the NFL, he was my fav." I assume she was abbreviating the word favorite, but I was too exasperated to ask. It's not going to be easy covering HOTT News.
Stunned that a news channel would choose to debut by reporting Obama's re-election as hard news, media watchdogs are hammering HOTT News and encouraging people to boycott the channel's sponsors. But executives at the station are immune to criticism, including station founder Steve Rose. In a press release, Rose defiantly stated: "We're playing to be first, not second, and definitely not last. We care about being out in front...way out in front. It doesn't matter if we get it wrong. Other stations are wrong all the time. They're wrong and boring. Call us what you will, but we'll never be boring."
But isn't HOTT News concerned that nobody will take them seriously? Won't making outlandish predictions hurt their brand? "Making outlandish predictions is our brand," said Che Clinton, the head pundit at HOTT News. "People will have to take us seriously because we're in the news business for the long haul," he said.
So what happens in November, after the real election takes place? What will HOTT News do if Mitt Romney gets more electoral votes? "Simple," said Ms. Falco. "We'll issue a mea culpa, or at least a just kidding, and report that Romney won. It's no big deal. But we think we got this one right, so we're not freaked out about it." For the record, when we asked Ms. Falco about her credentials, she would only say she is a news hound and that she excelled as an intern in her college years.
Criticism aside, the antics at HOTT News instantly paid off, considering it had more prime-time viewers last night than MSNBC and CNN combined. "We're here to win the ratings game--in all demographics," said Ms. Falco, "So get your popcorn ready." Get your popcorn ready? That sounded familiar, so I asked Ms. Falco what inspired the comment. She replied: "Terrell Owens. When he was in the NFL, he was my fav." I assume she was abbreviating the word favorite, but I was too exasperated to ask. It's not going to be easy covering HOTT News.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
HOTT News Adds Pundit to the Mix
HOTT News--set to debut next month--has hired a full-time pundit to cover the 2012 presidential election. Che Clinton, who will only say his educational background is having a Ph.D. in punditry, is excited to join the HOTT News team. "I join the cable news industry at a critical time. CNN is on life support, FOX News is completely discredited, and MSNBC has hit a ratings ceiling. No one can find Current TV in their cable package. So here we come."
Curious about his first name, I asked if it was a tribute to Che Guevara. "I'm sorry, but I don't know who that is. Che is short for cliche. I specialize in cliches. You know, you can't spell my name without cliche!" I asked Mr. Clinton what kind of political expertise he will bring to the HOTT News round table. "Not much. Basically, I just repeat what I hear other people saying, but I say it in more interesting ways. Analysis is paralysis, as I like to say. Analysis is for goons is another. Primarily, I'm here to fun chat." Fun chat? Did I hear that right? Mr. Clinton continued: "Cable news excels at manufacturing controversy. And the talking heads are admirable in their blowhardness. But there's no fun. Except for Bill O'Reilly's quizzes about pop culture from the 1960s. That's super fun. Aside from that, it's miserable. Talking, talking, talking. It's bad enough to be stuck in an airport. Can you imagine being stuck in an airport and having to watch CNN? OMG, I'm having a nervous breakdown just thinking about it."
I asked Mr. Clinton if he wanted to share any observations about the 2012 presidential contest. "This election is going to be about paper or plastic. 2008 was all about the kitchen table. You know, the kitchen table as a metaphor for families hunkering down to figure out their budget and pay bills. Well, any pundit who says "kitchen table" or "pocketbook" is working with yesterday's cliches. This year the big cliche is "paper or plastic," meaning when you go to the grocery store you're given the choice of paper or plastic. Personally, I ask for both, because the paper sack is a perfect container for my empty cans and bottles, and I use plastic bags to seal up my one-year-old's poopy diapers. Sorry, TMI! But really, "paper or plastic" as a metaphor for grocery bills is going to be my bread and butter cliche. Bet on it."
Wow, he sure is good. I have to admit, I'm likely to tune in when Mr. Clinton mans the cliche machine next month on HOTT News.
Curious about his first name, I asked if it was a tribute to Che Guevara. "I'm sorry, but I don't know who that is. Che is short for cliche. I specialize in cliches. You know, you can't spell my name without cliche!" I asked Mr. Clinton what kind of political expertise he will bring to the HOTT News round table. "Not much. Basically, I just repeat what I hear other people saying, but I say it in more interesting ways. Analysis is paralysis, as I like to say. Analysis is for goons is another. Primarily, I'm here to fun chat." Fun chat? Did I hear that right? Mr. Clinton continued: "Cable news excels at manufacturing controversy. And the talking heads are admirable in their blowhardness. But there's no fun. Except for Bill O'Reilly's quizzes about pop culture from the 1960s. That's super fun. Aside from that, it's miserable. Talking, talking, talking. It's bad enough to be stuck in an airport. Can you imagine being stuck in an airport and having to watch CNN? OMG, I'm having a nervous breakdown just thinking about it."
I asked Mr. Clinton if he wanted to share any observations about the 2012 presidential contest. "This election is going to be about paper or plastic. 2008 was all about the kitchen table. You know, the kitchen table as a metaphor for families hunkering down to figure out their budget and pay bills. Well, any pundit who says "kitchen table" or "pocketbook" is working with yesterday's cliches. This year the big cliche is "paper or plastic," meaning when you go to the grocery store you're given the choice of paper or plastic. Personally, I ask for both, because the paper sack is a perfect container for my empty cans and bottles, and I use plastic bags to seal up my one-year-old's poopy diapers. Sorry, TMI! But really, "paper or plastic" as a metaphor for grocery bills is going to be my bread and butter cliche. Bet on it."
Wow, he sure is good. I have to admit, I'm likely to tune in when Mr. Clinton mans the cliche machine next month on HOTT News.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
HOTT News Developing Show to Compete with 60 Minutes
Lee Roger Hodgson, Developer of Programming for HOTT News, plans to take on 60 Minutes. Hodgson grew up watching 60 Minutes and has profound respect for the show. "Ed Bradley was my hero growing up," said Hodgson, "He was an outstanding journalist." But Hodgson believes the show needs a serious tweak, and that's where HOTT News enters the fray. Hodgson envisons a thirty minute show with shorter segments. Tentatively, the program is called 30 Minutes. Hodgson explained what he has in mind: "The premise is that sixty minutes is just too long. So why not cut it in half? We're thinking four segments, each of them slightly over seven minutes in length. Fast and fun, baby! And no commercial breaks. Instead, the occasional advertisement will scroll at the bottom of the screen. We're also toying with the idea of our correspondents occasionally wearing corporate logos for a revenue stream."
I asked Hodgson if investigative journalism would be the key feature of 30 Minutes. "Absolutely not," he said without blinking. "No no no no no. No. We plan to take the investigative journalism out of investigative journalism. I mean, maybe a correspondent will be able to slip a piece of investigative journalism by us once in a while. But ultimately, we regard investigative journalism as a thing of the past."
So what does Hodgson have in mind? And if it's not investigative journalism, how does he expect 30 Minutes to compete with 60 Minutes? "Did you see Anderson Cooper's interview of Michael Phelps?" Hodgson asked. "That was brilliant! Cooper palling around with Phelps, the two of them playing a video game. That was inspiring television. You won't find a television executive who wasn't impressed by that. I won't kid you, that's exactly the kind of thing we want to do. Infotainment. What the world needs now is more infotainment. We believe that's the direction 60 Minutes is heading. Believe me, we won't be out-infoentertained by 60 Minutes!
So there you have it: 30 Minutes will offer short segments of infotainment without commercial breaks. Sounds to me like 60 Minutes will soon have a serious competitor to confront.
I asked Hodgson if investigative journalism would be the key feature of 30 Minutes. "Absolutely not," he said without blinking. "No no no no no. No. We plan to take the investigative journalism out of investigative journalism. I mean, maybe a correspondent will be able to slip a piece of investigative journalism by us once in a while. But ultimately, we regard investigative journalism as a thing of the past."
So what does Hodgson have in mind? And if it's not investigative journalism, how does he expect 30 Minutes to compete with 60 Minutes? "Did you see Anderson Cooper's interview of Michael Phelps?" Hodgson asked. "That was brilliant! Cooper palling around with Phelps, the two of them playing a video game. That was inspiring television. You won't find a television executive who wasn't impressed by that. I won't kid you, that's exactly the kind of thing we want to do. Infotainment. What the world needs now is more infotainment. We believe that's the direction 60 Minutes is heading. Believe me, we won't be out-infoentertained by 60 Minutes!
So there you have it: 30 Minutes will offer short segments of infotainment without commercial breaks. Sounds to me like 60 Minutes will soon have a serious competitor to confront.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
In Times Square, HOTT News Establishes A Presence
Walking through Times Square recently, I noticed a muscular man wearing only a purple Speedo. Times Square is pretty much a circus, so a man in a purple Speedo isn't far outside the frame. But he wasn't just another guy walking through the streets. He is going to be on-air talent for the soon to be HOTT News. The man plans to deliver a daily weather forecast in his purple Speedo. His on screen name? Purple Rain. Must be a homage to Prince, I assume.
Keep in mind that HOTT News has not actually gone to air yet. Tourists didn't seem to care that HOTT News isn't yet on television or that Purple Rain has never been on TV. Fans lined up for his autograph and excitedly took pictures with him as he delivered a three-day forecast through a megaphone. "Tomorrow we'll have plenty of sunshine, but on Tuesday you should expect strong winds, and by Wednesday, the sky will open up and bring....you guessed it...purple rain!" The crowd roared.
Purple Rain basked in the attention. He seemed comfortable in his Speedo and looked ready for prime time. "How do you stay in such great shape?" asked a middle-aged woman in the crowd. Without hesitation, he replied: "I have my own workout program. You'll see it someday on my DVD." It was like he had waited his entire life for the question.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
In Cable News Wars, HOTT News Sees An Opening
HOTT News is the brainchild of Steve Rose, a young man who describes himself as a "rich kid from Malibu." He is busy courting investors as he develops a twenty-four hour news channel. He does not consider himself an expert in cable news. At 24-years-old, he depends on a wise source to understand the history of cable news: his father. "My dad tells me that CNN used to be relevant, which is hard for me to believe," says Rose, finishing a game on Xbox. Rose doesn't care much for news, except to the extent that it can make him money. Rose is rich by virtue of inheritance. Other than the Jaguar he drives, he does not possess a lot of material goods. He is determined not to squander his riches. Even with slight understanding of the cable news industry, he sees opportunity: "Look at Current TV. Actually, don't. It'll hurt your eyes. What's going on over there doesn't make sense. 'Let's go left of MSNBC.' How is that a successful strategy?"
Rose flips through the channels as we talk, staying on MTV for a while, then ESPN, and lands on Fox News. "Everything about Fox News has already been said, so I won't repeat it. I'll only say that the clock is running out. Sooner or later, their viewers will get it. And then they'll change the channel." So where will the viewers turn? Rose hopes it will be HOTT News.
Rose has a vision of a channel in which news is delivered in unconventional ways. "The anchors and reporters will be, shall we say, hot. Very hot." But won't that compromise the integrity of the content, I ask him. "Integrity? You live in America, right? Where do you see integrity? Integrity has left the building. Enter hotness." Confused, I probe for a clearer description of what viewers can expect if HOTT News comes to fruition. "Look, it's not going to be a case of opinion masquerading as news, or news hiding behind a thin veil of supposed objectivity. This is not your parents' cable news station. This is MTV meets ESPN meets the old CNN." That doesn't make any sense to me, so I ask again what he means. Frustrated, he offers a blunt answer: "Hot people delivering news and opinion. But finally, you'll know which is which. That's it." Is he concerned about what demographic he will attract, or what segments of the population he will leave out? "Absolutely not," he says with confidence. "Everybody likes hottness shaken and stirred." Still confused, I thank him for his time, and leave the interview very concerned about the future of cable news.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Broke and Famous
In the future there will be two categories of people: broke and famous.
79% of the population will be broke, 21% will be famous.
But that’s okay because everybody will have the chance to be famous.
Everyone will be monitored 24/7/365 and every action recorded permanently.
That’s how they will decide who gets to be famous.
It will have the intended benefit of ending crime.
(People will stop committing crime once they realize they will be caught and punished immediately. Even white-collar crime will be punished.)
The streets will also be totally clean because littering will bring immediate punishment.
At first people will bemoan the end of privacy but complaints will stop after people see how nice it is when there is no crime and the streets are clean. Plus there is the chance of being famous.
And it should be said that it won’t be horrible to be broke.
Basically the conditions will be tolerable enough so that nobody minds too much.
Everyone will be able to pay their rent and have enough to eat.
How we gonna eat? Just watch The Jetsons.
They will also require immunizations for everybody, free of charge.
Plus they are going to turn January into Equality Month. Everybody will have exactly the same amount of possessions and money for one month. It will take a lot of maneuvering but they can figure out how to do it.
So everyone will get to taste equality for 31 days.
Why January? Gotta start the New Year out right, right?
People will be rewarded with lots of cash if they demonstrate proficiency in another language.
They finally figured out that two languages are better than one.
Only one news channel will exist and it will be called HOTT News.
All the anchors and reporters and pundits and sportscasters and meteorologists will be models.
There won’t be any hate on HOTT News because it will replace all the other news channels that will lose ratings when they run out of ways to hate. (It turns out that hate has an expiration date.)
People will embrace the change because HOTT News is gonna make tolerance sexy.
Music will be pretty good too because they will ban lyrics.
So there won’t be any violent and misogynist songs.
Don’t worry, there will still be plenty of good music. It’s amazing what they can do with JAZZ.
(If you’re wondering what happens if people listen to songs with lyrics they already have, the answer is they will be punished immediately. Don’t worry, HOTT news will make censorship sexy.)
So there will be broke and famous people, no crime, clean streets, free immunizations, rent and food paid for, more multilingualism, censorship, and tolerance. It won’t be a perfect situation but it will be good enough. They finally figured out that if conditions are good enough and if beautiful people say everything is gonna be alright and people stand a decent chance of being famous then people will shut up.
The end.
79% of the population will be broke, 21% will be famous.
But that’s okay because everybody will have the chance to be famous.
Everyone will be monitored 24/7/365 and every action recorded permanently.
That’s how they will decide who gets to be famous.
It will have the intended benefit of ending crime.
(People will stop committing crime once they realize they will be caught and punished immediately. Even white-collar crime will be punished.)
The streets will also be totally clean because littering will bring immediate punishment.
At first people will bemoan the end of privacy but complaints will stop after people see how nice it is when there is no crime and the streets are clean. Plus there is the chance of being famous.
And it should be said that it won’t be horrible to be broke.
Basically the conditions will be tolerable enough so that nobody minds too much.
Everyone will be able to pay their rent and have enough to eat.
How we gonna eat? Just watch The Jetsons.
They will also require immunizations for everybody, free of charge.
Plus they are going to turn January into Equality Month. Everybody will have exactly the same amount of possessions and money for one month. It will take a lot of maneuvering but they can figure out how to do it.
So everyone will get to taste equality for 31 days.
Why January? Gotta start the New Year out right, right?
People will be rewarded with lots of cash if they demonstrate proficiency in another language.
They finally figured out that two languages are better than one.
Only one news channel will exist and it will be called HOTT News.
All the anchors and reporters and pundits and sportscasters and meteorologists will be models.
There won’t be any hate on HOTT News because it will replace all the other news channels that will lose ratings when they run out of ways to hate. (It turns out that hate has an expiration date.)
People will embrace the change because HOTT News is gonna make tolerance sexy.
Music will be pretty good too because they will ban lyrics.
So there won’t be any violent and misogynist songs.
Don’t worry, there will still be plenty of good music. It’s amazing what they can do with JAZZ.
(If you’re wondering what happens if people listen to songs with lyrics they already have, the answer is they will be punished immediately. Don’t worry, HOTT news will make censorship sexy.)
So there will be broke and famous people, no crime, clean streets, free immunizations, rent and food paid for, more multilingualism, censorship, and tolerance. It won’t be a perfect situation but it will be good enough. They finally figured out that if conditions are good enough and if beautiful people say everything is gonna be alright and people stand a decent chance of being famous then people will shut up.
The end.
Author's note: my attempt to use creative writing to glimpse the future.
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