THE ELF ON THE SHELF: AN ENDORSEMENT

THIS IS THE TIME OF THE YEAR WHEN PEOPLE CIRCULATE HOT TAKERY ABOUT THE EVIL WEIRDNESS OF THE ELF ON THE SHELF. LISTEN UP, EVERYBODY. AND YOU KNOW THIS IS SERIOUS BECAUSE I'M TYPING IN ALL CAPS. I'M SERVING UP THIS ALL CAPS TAKE TO COMPETE IN THE ATTENTION ECONOMY. PAY ATTENTION, ELF ON THE SHELF HATERS. PLEASE CONSIDER MY LUKEWARM TAKE, ELF ON THE SHELF DOUBTERS. I TRIED TO TELL YOU ALL IN NICE TERMS LAST YEAR (CLICK HERE CLICK HERE CLICK HERE) THAT THE ELF ON THE SHELF IS, OVERALL, A HARMLESS PRACTICE. MY FAMILY IS DOING THE ELF ON THE SHELF AGAIN THIS YEAR. AGAIN I TELL YOU! JUST LIKE LAST YEAR, I'M TRYING TO GET AN EDGE ON MY KIDS. THEY ARE GREAT. THEY ARE WONDERFUL. THEY ARE THE BEST KIDS I HAVE. I LOVE MY KIDS. AND IF ELF ON THE SHELF HELPS KEEP MY KIDS IN CHECK JUST A LITTLE BIT THEN THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. MY  WIFE IS PROBABLY LESS CONCERNED WITH KEEPING OUR KIDS IN CHECK AND MORE CONCERNED WITH ESTABLISHING A FUN FAMILY TRADITION WHILE THE KIDS ARE YOUNG AND THINK IT'S FUN THAT AN ELF MOVES AROUND THE HOUSE. YOU SEE, THEY'RE AGES 8 AND 5 AND THEY GET A KICK OUT OF IT WHEN THE ELF MOVES AROUND THE HOUSE. IT MAKES THEM SAY "LOOK THE ELF MOVED!!!!!" THEY LIKE IT. IT WORKS FOR US. MY WIFE LIKES TRADITION. SHE LIKES FUN. I'M A GRUMP AND A GRINCH AND I HAVEN'T HAD FUN SINCE 1985 (OKAY I'M LYING I HAD FUN AT A LOLLAPALOOZA CONCERT IN THE EARLY 90S AND I HAD FUN LAST WEEK AT A STEVIE WONDER CONCERT) BUT I DON'T HAVE MUCH FUN SO I'M NOT REALLY ABOUT THE FUN. OH CRUD I LOST MYSELF IN THIS TAKE AND CAN'T SEE MY WAY OUT SO LET ME GET OUT OF HERE SOON BY SAYING IT'S COMBINATION FUN AND TRADITION AND HOPING THE KIDS WILL LISTEN SOMETIMES AND THAT'S WHAT THE ELF REPRESENTS TO US. THEY CAN MAKE UP THEIR OWN MINDS IN DUE TIME ABOUT WHAT THEY THINK ABOUT A SURVEILLANCE SOCIETY. LET'S NOT ASSUME THE ELF ON THE SHELF TRAINS PEOPLE TO LIVE IN A SURVEILLANCE SOCIETY. I LEAVE YOU WITH A PICTURE. LOOK AT ME TAKING A PICTURE OF OUR ELF ON THE SHELF. OMG SEE WHAT I DID THERE I MADE IT INTO A SELFIE! YOU KNOW WHY? BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE GET ALL WORKED UP ABOUT SELFIES. SELFIES ARE BAD, SOME PEOPLE SAY. I SAY LET THE PEOPLE TAKE SELFIES. I SAY LET THE PEOPLE PUT ELVES ON SHELVES IF THEY WANT. AND IF YOU'RE WONDERING WHY I'M WEARING A WINTER HAT IN THE HOUSE I DON'T HAVE AN ANSWER FOR YOU. SO LISTEN UP MEDIA: PLEASE DIRECT ALL YOUR INQUIRIES TO ME IF YOU HAVE QUESTIONS ABOUT THE ELF ON THE SHELF. I AM A SELF-PROCLAIMED EXPERT ON THE ELF ON THE SHELF. MY ALL CAPS RANT IS PROOF THAT I'M AN EXPERT. AND ONE MORE MESSAGE TO ELF ON THE SHELF DETRACTORS: CONSIDER YOURSELF SERVED!!!!!