On Being a Hero

It was a close game in a six inning tournament contest, and suddenly it was tie ballgame after six full innings. Extra innings, here we go. The two teams were perfectly evenly matched, but the momentum really seemed on our side. Our second baseman was eating up everything and was piling up putouts. Normally a singles hitter, he enjoyed a double and later laid down a beautiful sacrifice bunt. In the bottom of the 8th inning, with the game still tied, the other team was near the bottom of the batting order. The hitter who came to the plate was hitless for the day, hitting a few routine groundballs to the aforementioned second basemen. In my head I figured he might do it one more time. Instead, the kid destroyed a ball for a no doubt home run. It was incredible. I had to tip my cap. Baseball gives, baseball takes away. I was proud of our team and happy for the home run hero. A walk off home run is an extraordinary feat. If you're a hero for a day as a 12-year-old, you'll remember it for the rest of your life. My kid was the second baseman who probably played the best day of his baseball life. To use a cliché, he left it all on the field. We shook hands with the other team after the game, per tradition. I get to go through the line as an assistant coach. I congratulated the home run hero. We told our team to keep their heads high, and praised them for a job well done. I like the way we coached and how the kids responded to the disappointment. 

Youth sports rightly gets a lot of criticism for erratic parent behavior, questionable coaching behavior, the increasing cost to play, and the overstructured nature of the whole enterprise. What gets overlooked in the criticism are the many positives: valuable lessons about winning and losing, opportunities for being a good sport, learning to play a game with integrity, being a good teammate, and, as this example is meant to simply show, the rare experience of being a hero in a sport context. Imagine what that home run did for that kid's self esteem and how proud he must still feel. Bravo.

Party Talking

The 4th of July has nearly arrived. You may find yourself at a party soon. Maybe you'll attend graduation parties, weddings, and other gatherings this summer. What style of talking do you notice? Here's a few of the ways of talking I've noted at recent parties...

1. Opinions and assertions. The person opines, or lectures, sometimes aggressively. Often political in nature.

2. Small talk / chit chat / stays at the superficial level. Safe topics.

3. Conversation. Includes back and forth, and questions. Goes beyond the superficial level without necessarily attempting to be profound or deep. Attentive listening and sincere interest in the other person(s) are key features.

I've listed these in order of most likely to least likely, according to recent experiences. Opinions and non-controversial chit chat are common, whereas conversations are relatively rare. 

How about you? What are your experiences and observations?

Update 7/16/2023: I was at a graduation party yesterday, and got to enjoy some banter between old friends. My neighbor was sitting with two of his buddies from way back in the day. My wife and I joined them. I was a bit hesitant because I could see they were catching up on old times. But they were super cool and didn't mind us sitting with them. They were very friendly. The style of talking on display was storytelling. Storytelling is an art, and it's a form of talking I truly appreciate. I don't consider myself a skilled storyteller. These guys traded hilarious stories from over the years. We were belly laughing. All three of these guys were good storytellers. So, I'm adding storytelling to my list of talking styles I've recently observed. I appreciated that they included us through eye contact, and by giving us a chance to jump in with a few stories of our own. 

In Perspective

My baseball playing 12-year-old had a game in Brighton just outside the city of Rochester today. It was an uncomfortable day due to the humidity. There was a threat of rain, but it never came. It's always good to get in a ballgame. We played at a field with a rough infield and very short fences. The other team came out swinging, blasting two home runs in the first inning. Dingers are always deflating. Our bats were slow to begin the game, with our kids striking out a lot. The opposing team built a nice lead and though our kids did a nice job coming back to make it a close game, they ended up losing by one run. I wasn't laser focused on the game. My attention was distracted in a good way. A long time buddy who lives near Rochester came by the game. "Not to be corny," I said to my wife this morning during a walk, "but having a buddy of almost 30 years come to our kid's baseball game filled my cup." I'm old and sentimental, and genuinely appreciative of a friend who shows up to youth baseball game during a busy day of his own. We chatted during the game as I attended to my duties as official scorekeeper. Seeing him made me happy. We're in a group text with a few other buddies, and after the game he sent a nice message about how well my kid played. It nearly brought me to tears while I was sitting at lunch at Dinosaur BBQ in Rochester with a few families from the team. Did I mention I'm old and sentimental? Our server was friendly and did a terrific job. She told us she had only a few days left on the job. I briefly chatted with her on the way out, learning she's moving to Florida. I wished her well. I'm happy for people with new beginnings. Lunch was pleasant. I devoured my brisket sandwich and one of the coldest beers I've had in a long time, a can of Sip of Sunshine. 

On the way to lunch our 12-year-old was upset. He did in fact have a good game, making several good plays at second base, and getting two hits, one of which was a very hard hit double. But he made the last out of the game by grounding out. Few things feel worse in baseball than making the last out. He's hard on himself. I was relieved when he relaxed at the restaurant and enjoyed the company of his teammates. Today he showed no signs of being upset. A good night of sleep always helps. 

In youth baseball, best practice is to keep things in perspective. It's a game. You can't always win. You can't always succeed at the plate. It's a privilege to play the game of baseball. It's a joy when a friend you met in 1995 comes to say hi and see your kid play. You have good fortune if you can eat with your family in a restaurant and enjoy a good meal. In the youth baseball world, we often lose perspective. But we can aim to keep things in perspective. 

What Is Yours To See?

There are parts of Mindfulness for Beginners, authored by Jon Kabat-Zinn, to which keep returning. I really dig the question "What is yours to see?" Kabat-Zinn writes: "This is a great question to ponder, to make your own, to let live inside your bones and your pores, and to guide your life." It could be an act of service, it could be a vocation. It could be small, it could be big. He writes: "Maybe you can't see what is somebody else's to see. But maybe, just maybe, you can see what is yours to see" (p. 75). 

Selfing

In Mindfulness for Beginners, one of the terms that stands out is selfing, defined by author Jon Kabat-Zinn as "the tendency to put ourselves at the absolute center of the universe" (p. 40). This reminds me of Charles Derber’s The Pursuit of Attention. Throughout the book, Derber talks about the cultural tendency to be self-oriented. I wrote about Derber's book at Everyday Sociology Blog a few years ago: "Tired and anxious, we become preoccupied with our own problems. Our capitalist system and individualistic culture cultivates a survivalist mentality." 

Back to Mindfulness for Beginners...Kabat-Zinn suggests we catch ourselves when we are self-oriented and self-preoccupied, and notes "...we don't have to automatically and with no awareness fall into the habits of self-identification, self-centeredness, and selfing. What is more, if we are open to looking at ourselves afresh, we can readily see that these thought-habits actually distort reality, create illusions and delusions, and ultimately imprison us" (p. 42). 

This Is It

I like the section on non-striving in Mindfulness for Beginners by Jon Kabat-Zinn (pp. 127-129):

Non-striving "sounds really subversive, even un-American. We are proverbial go-getters, megadoers. We could re-name our species 'human doers.' As a culture, we are really into doing, making progress, and always needing to get somewhere."

"Non-striving is related to the timeless quality of the present moment we call now...It involves realizing that you are already here. There's no place to go, because the agenda is simply to be awake...What happens now is what matters."

"Even the tiniest bit of reminding ourselves that "this is it," that we are alive now, that we are already here, can make a huge difference. For in fact, as we have seen, the future that we desire to get to--it is already here. This is it!"

"This moment is as good as any other. In fact, it's perfect. Perfectly what it is. And this includes everything that you might think of as its imperfections."

What Does it Mean to Children to See Adults Act This Way?

I was fully in the moment at yesterday's baseball game. I sat on my bucket keeping score, watching the game attentively. Opposing coaches were unhappy with the umpire. More than once they complained about calls. Finally one of them truly lost their temper. I teach a Social Interaction course. It's captivating to me to watch an umpire interact with frustrated and angry coaches. The umpire has power, yet in youth baseball the umpire is often a young man. In this case, it's a high schooler interacting with grown men. It's hard for a young man to not be intimidated in the moment. He held firm, held his own, and tossed the umpires. I was impressed by how the young man handled the situation. With regard to the coaches, my question sounds judgmental, but it's not meant to be. It's honestly an honest question: What does it mean to baseball playing children to see adults act this way? I am not always 100% calm and composed. Like anyone, I'm subject to losing my patience and losing my cool. I've unraveled in public before. It's important to check our temperature, to check ourselves, and to consider what it means to the children among us when our cool leaves us.